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I was raised in a very rough household.

We were not rich. We didn't have a whole lot, and alot of times, didn't have each other. My parents loved me, but the moment I did something wrong, I was screamed at, got my ass blistered, and sent away to another room. Most of the time, it was over the most insignificant shit. My parents frustrations were taken out on me.

My mother especially was a wretched woman. A lot of the reasons I resent her so much now are from how I was brought up. You can only sit back and watch the same bullshit so many times before you lose hope in a person.

I guess her way of dealing with things was seeing who had the loudest voice.

I think that stuck with me, even if unwillingly. When something gets to the end of my already short fuse, I lose my patience with it. Its admittingly a problem, and one thats hard to fix.

I'm not proud of myself, not by any means, and going about how to find patience, especially with children, is an extremely difficult task.

Finding patience with Cooper is hard. I don't know how to handle his tantrums, and crying fits. It stresses me out to the point of no end, to where I actually get a migraine from it.

I know raising my voice don't help any, but for some reason, in my head it does.

He does not deserve to be raised like I was. He deserves a house with a living family, and proper (not unnecessary) discipline.

I've got a find a way to wrangle the demons I have inside me with my temper, and kill them. I can do it, I know this. Suppose it just another major learning curve for me in my new role as a father.

He's going to be a model of me when he's older, God forbid he becomes modeled after this piece of shit.

I refuse to let that happen.

I love my son with all my heart and soul, and he deserves better than to grow up around a person like how I am, so I've got to find out how to become a more tolerant person. My family's sake depends on it...

"Remember, your child relies on you to teach them what's right and wrong. If you can't handle your own short switch, how are you going to control your child"?

Saying Thanks

The last few months have been the toughest of my entire life.

Losing my dad has been something that words can't put into perspective. You only know what its like if you've gone through it.

My amazing friends and family have gotten my through this, and right now I want to say thanks to everyone thats made this struggle just a little easier.

Nicole, my love. My heart and everything is yours. You're my backbone. You're my legs when I can't stand on my own. Your love and support gets me through it all, and without you, I don't know where I would be. We're going to be parents, and I'm so glad its me and you. It would not be the same with anyone else. I love you.

The rest of you, well you know who you are. Micheal Cooper, Clay Shuff and the rest of the Shuff family (Ms. Brenda, Mr. Ron & Ms. Tonya), Brandon and Ms. Mary Perque, Neal Boyd, Kerry Simpson @ Smalltime Skates, Nate Jackson, Luke Physioc, Christian Textor, Brennan Furca, Kyle Bruhn, Rachel Baker, Jesse Brooks, and everyone else. I would name you all, but there's so many to keep on going.

I can't thank all of you enough for the kind words of motivation, and of inspiration through it all.

It does not really get all that easier with time. But you've all helped make it just a little less stressful.

All of you mean the world to me. Thank you.

......

Coming up on 3 months since my dad left us. I don't care what anyone says, it does not get easier. I miss you more and more every minute.

Dad, my life's changing so fast, and I have so many questions that you would have the answers to. You were my back up plan, my go to guy in this time, and now I don't know what to do with some things.

But I'll figure it out, I guess I have to.

Its a shame, my child would have had the best grandfather ever. I say this, because he was the best father ever.

Its hard writing about you, because I miss you so much. But it was selfish of us to want to keep you, when you were needed in Heaven. And up there, you're not sick, you're not hurting, and I know that, but I still miss you.

I'll never forget the conversations we had. I'll never forget all the times we spent together.

I will never forget.

...

The last few weeks have been... crazy... to say the least.

I finally had all I could take of Supreme GMC/Cadillac. So I made a job change and now work for Gorilla Race Engineering in Kenner, LA.

The commute sucks, but the money seems to be worth it.

And with this baby due, that means I'll do what I have to, so that Niki does not have to. I want her to focus on being a mom, instead of having to work.

I'm the man, my job is to provide. And that I'll do.

We traded in the Genesis Coupe for a Hyundai Tucson. Its got 4 doors, lots of cargo space, decent mpg, and Niki seems to love it so far.

I'm impressed by it. We took it to Texas a few weeks back to see her dad and Ms. Tonya, and had plenty of space for everything.

I picked up a little 4dr Mazdaspeed Protege for myself to drive.

Fun little car. 2.0l turbo Protege with lots of extras.

Ok... its late, and I am suffering from some insomnia. I was playing Black Ops, but this dude was preaching in a match. Preaching while playing a game about killing people... hypocrisy is fun kids.

A strange family protrait

Senior' Clay Shuff took this today with has Droid phone. Droid phone is regoddamndiculous at the amount of stuff it does.

Anyways... our strange little family. Niki, Me, Jack-Jack, and the evil space alien growing in Niki's tummy.

Ok, the blogger image uploader is officially pissing me off. It keeps shrinking my damn picture.

*witty blog post title*

So it's been almost 2 days, and I'm making progress in my grief.

It's just the weirdest feeling. My dad and I were so close, he meant the world to me as a father, and now he is gone. Although I do take a lot of solace in knowing he's not sick, hurting, or otherwise suffering anymore, there is still that part of me that is not ready to say goodbye.

We'll be doing Christmas and spending time with the family, then on monday, we'll have the funeral.

"I can do this. I'm strong". Those words stay in my head like a song on repeat.

My father will be buried at Port Hudson National Military Cemetery in Zachary, LA. He was a marine, a Vietnam veteran, and has earned his spot.

In the Marines, he was an M14 & M1 rifle expert marksman. A .45 pistol expert marksman. Numerous medals for sharpshooting. And was a land mine/demolitions expert.

Basically, he was good at hitting his marks.

So...

Baby stuff.

I'm getting really excited, scared, anxious, nervous, and so forth about becoming a dad. Hopefully next week we can get to the Dr. and start making sense of the crazy weeks ahead.

I'm really hoping it is a boy, so he can be named after my dad.

If it's a boy, his first name will be William.

If we have a little girl, her middle name will be Hart.

I'm not ready for a poopy diaper.

How can someone give me a child, with no directions, packaging, or anything, and expect ME of all people to know what to do?

Does this thing come with a manual?

Can I order it online?

Is their and on/off switch

Hmm... so many questions, and thankfully lots of internet and books to answer them.

Today was a pretty great afternoon.

Clay & Jenn came over, and we all spent the time outside. Me, Clay, and Jack-Jack throwing footballs and tennis balls, and Jenn, Niki, & Liana doing... doing... girl stuff? I don't know.

But that whole time, it felt great. Like a family. A feeling I could really use right now.

I'll go back to work tomorrow, which will be good. They gave me 2 days off, so I could grieve and handle the frustrating parts of my fathers death; the funeral arrangements, and all that. Which has been just as expected.... frustrating.

I know I have more to say, but I'm really hungry, and I need to do a little more christmas shopping...

My dad.

Late december, 2004. Before he got sick. And how I'll always remember him.

welcoming one, then immediately saying goodbye to another.

This weekend is one that will live with me forever.

On Friday December 17th, 2010, I got the best news of my life.

When I got home from work at 6:00pm, Nicole, my girlfriend, was laying in bed, saying she was not feeling too well. I offered whatever I could do, she just wanted to rest.

About 30mins later, she came out of the bathroom, crying. When I asked the obviously dumb question of "What's wrong"?, she said to me 2 words I'll not soon forget... "I'm pregnant".

At first, it felt like I had just had the wind knocked out of me. I was not upset, just really stunned. I went outside and paced the driveway a moment and came back in, wrapped my arms around her, smiled and expressed my happiness towards the situation.

After collecting my thoughts, I wanted to tell my dad first, before anyone else. So I called my mom and made plans to meet all together at the nursing home my dad was at.

For you see, he is very sick, and does not have much time left.

When I got there, I arrived before my family, and when I saw my dad, I knew instantly this would be the last time I ever saw him alive.

He was laying in bed, in a slight fetal position, his hands trembling, and drooling a yellow foamy drool. His hair had lost all color, and he felt hot to the touch.

I talked to him for a while, and held his hand. He was able to nod his head slightly, and softly squeeze my hand, so I know he was alert, just very weak.

When my mom and sister arrived, I dropped the news...

"Dad, I have something great to tell you. I hope you can understand me. I'm going to be a dad. Niki is pregnant".

He squeezed my hand as hard he could, nodded, and gave all the smile his aching body could muster out.

He knew, he knew exactly what I said.

After all was said and done, I told my mom I would not be returning here, to call me when it was over.

Later that evening, I awoke to a phone call at 1:07am.

My father, William F. Hart, had passed away on December 19th, 2010 @ 12:40am.

There's no words to describe just how that hits you. All the time you take when you know the inevitable is coming, you take to try and prepare yourself for it... well it don't do a damn thing. Immediately I got dressed, and went to the nursing home, with Niki and her mom in the car with me (those 2 were my saving graces).

When I got there, this time my mom was waiting for me. After speaking with the gentleman from the funeral home, I went in to see my dad.

The next moments are ones I'll keep with me forever. Even writing this, the images of my father laying there, looking peacefully asleep, are rushing back to me.

He's not sick anymore, he's not hurting, he's at peace in the heavens. He's back with his parents, grandparents, and the rest of his family that has moved on.

Knowing now that he is ok, makes my grieving a lot easier.

So does writing about it. Or just keeping busy.

All day yesterday I tried to stay busy. I put up my christmas tree, decorated the house, had breakfast with Niki & her mom, cleaned up a little bit, showered, anything I could do to keep my head bolted down to my shoulders.

Through the whole ordeal there has been so many people who have done so much for me, just by listening and understanding.

I could not do this alone, and having all these amazing friends, family, and even my co-workers at the shop, they've all helped in their own little, unique way.

I could spend hours going on, thanking all of you.

Amazing how life works. Welcoming the exciting addition of one, but having the say goodbye to one.

I loved my dad so much. He spent his life with me, molding me into a man. Teaching me what he knew about being a father.

Dad, just know that you did a hell of a good job.

My child will have the best guardian angel in heaven. All I wish is he/she could have got the chance to meet you.

R.I.P Dad.

Love,

Your son, Joshua A. Lowrey