.

I was raised in a very rough household.

We were not rich. We didn't have a whole lot, and alot of times, didn't have each other. My parents loved me, but the moment I did something wrong, I was screamed at, got my ass blistered, and sent away to another room. Most of the time, it was over the most insignificant shit. My parents frustrations were taken out on me.

My mother especially was a wretched woman. A lot of the reasons I resent her so much now are from how I was brought up. You can only sit back and watch the same bullshit so many times before you lose hope in a person.

I guess her way of dealing with things was seeing who had the loudest voice.

I think that stuck with me, even if unwillingly. When something gets to the end of my already short fuse, I lose my patience with it. Its admittingly a problem, and one thats hard to fix.

I'm not proud of myself, not by any means, and going about how to find patience, especially with children, is an extremely difficult task.

Finding patience with Cooper is hard. I don't know how to handle his tantrums, and crying fits. It stresses me out to the point of no end, to where I actually get a migraine from it.

I know raising my voice don't help any, but for some reason, in my head it does.

He does not deserve to be raised like I was. He deserves a house with a living family, and proper (not unnecessary) discipline.

I've got a find a way to wrangle the demons I have inside me with my temper, and kill them. I can do it, I know this. Suppose it just another major learning curve for me in my new role as a father.

He's going to be a model of me when he's older, God forbid he becomes modeled after this piece of shit.

I refuse to let that happen.

I love my son with all my heart and soul, and he deserves better than to grow up around a person like how I am, so I've got to find out how to become a more tolerant person. My family's sake depends on it...

"Remember, your child relies on you to teach them what's right and wrong. If you can't handle your own short switch, how are you going to control your child"?

Saying Thanks

The last few months have been the toughest of my entire life.

Losing my dad has been something that words can't put into perspective. You only know what its like if you've gone through it.

My amazing friends and family have gotten my through this, and right now I want to say thanks to everyone thats made this struggle just a little easier.

Nicole, my love. My heart and everything is yours. You're my backbone. You're my legs when I can't stand on my own. Your love and support gets me through it all, and without you, I don't know where I would be. We're going to be parents, and I'm so glad its me and you. It would not be the same with anyone else. I love you.

The rest of you, well you know who you are. Micheal Cooper, Clay Shuff and the rest of the Shuff family (Ms. Brenda, Mr. Ron & Ms. Tonya), Brandon and Ms. Mary Perque, Neal Boyd, Kerry Simpson @ Smalltime Skates, Nate Jackson, Luke Physioc, Christian Textor, Brennan Furca, Kyle Bruhn, Rachel Baker, Jesse Brooks, and everyone else. I would name you all, but there's so many to keep on going.

I can't thank all of you enough for the kind words of motivation, and of inspiration through it all.

It does not really get all that easier with time. But you've all helped make it just a little less stressful.

All of you mean the world to me. Thank you.

......

Coming up on 3 months since my dad left us. I don't care what anyone says, it does not get easier. I miss you more and more every minute.

Dad, my life's changing so fast, and I have so many questions that you would have the answers to. You were my back up plan, my go to guy in this time, and now I don't know what to do with some things.

But I'll figure it out, I guess I have to.

Its a shame, my child would have had the best grandfather ever. I say this, because he was the best father ever.

Its hard writing about you, because I miss you so much. But it was selfish of us to want to keep you, when you were needed in Heaven. And up there, you're not sick, you're not hurting, and I know that, but I still miss you.

I'll never forget the conversations we had. I'll never forget all the times we spent together.

I will never forget.

...

The last few weeks have been... crazy... to say the least.

I finally had all I could take of Supreme GMC/Cadillac. So I made a job change and now work for Gorilla Race Engineering in Kenner, LA.

The commute sucks, but the money seems to be worth it.

And with this baby due, that means I'll do what I have to, so that Niki does not have to. I want her to focus on being a mom, instead of having to work.

I'm the man, my job is to provide. And that I'll do.

We traded in the Genesis Coupe for a Hyundai Tucson. Its got 4 doors, lots of cargo space, decent mpg, and Niki seems to love it so far.

I'm impressed by it. We took it to Texas a few weeks back to see her dad and Ms. Tonya, and had plenty of space for everything.

I picked up a little 4dr Mazdaspeed Protege for myself to drive.

Fun little car. 2.0l turbo Protege with lots of extras.

Ok... its late, and I am suffering from some insomnia. I was playing Black Ops, but this dude was preaching in a match. Preaching while playing a game about killing people... hypocrisy is fun kids.